LEAN

This way on me.

Today is day 4 without a cigarette. I have yet to have a really intense craving. That's probably because I am not currently stressing. Or, quite possibly, smoking would mean that I have failed to control an impulse. I don't want to be controlled by something like that. Nope. Not me. Not any fucking more.

One thing that keeps going over and over in my head is something Julia said to me last week. Of course, I'm horrible at remembering anything verbatum (im?). To paraphrase, though, she said that it's going to get harder and harder to quit smoking, to quit addictions, to change habits and behaviors the older I get. She, herself, is going through issues and wishes she could go back 10 years and slap herself silly.

Instead, she gets to slap me silly (which I think she may enjoy, and, I can't lie, I like it too).

It's true, though. I'm leaving cigarettes behind me. They are part of the life I don't want to have in my late twenties. I'm going to be 27 in a little over a month. I have a family. I have cats and dogs. It's time to grow up. It's time to set aside the vices of a young adult and get on with getting on.

The thing is...

I can have fun without cigarettes. I can have fun without getting hammered every Friday and Saturday night. I can have fun without the five new pairs of skater shoes very six months.

The other day I had a blast sword fighting and kicking the soccer ball in the yard with Mas. It was a fucking blast.

I have found, for myself, that it's not so much about the distractions being distractions, but that the distractions actually turn into a way of life. A happiness I didn't know before because I was too busy puffing away at tobacco or rationalizing why I bought a three hundred dollar bike.

Do what feels right. It's harder than one might think, but it's also the easiest thing in the world to do.

And, baby, I'm with you. Right now. Forever. Hold tight. We have a long (and sometimes shitty) road ahead of us. Lean, baby. Just lean.

-A